The frustration that builds inside of me is incredibly powerful. I am amazed at how the lack of satisfaction in life makes me want to do things that I never force myself to do and in the end only sit in coffee shops dreaming of the possibilities in life and viewing my rotting corpse getting older and older. The increase in smell from my body is incredible, the hair is growing in places it seemed never possible (ears, nose, back). Signs of aging should be signs of wisdom, battle scars of wars fought, lands explored, except it has become a vessel of regret. Frustration inside and lack of happiness is causing me to act irrational and burst out in fits of rage. All because I lack the attention span, drive and initiative to follow through with the goals and dreams that I have for myself.

I am always willing to work and have begun the new job slinging trash bags with hopes that when I want to retire and fulfill all those dreams 20 years too late, I will be able to. For now I take a massive pay cut and realize that I am not utilizing the potential that is locked inside of my brain. I still yearn for a mentor and a leader to guide me through life.

Every several months, I make a pact with myself to fulfill these wants and drives to make sure that I am able to complete these goals set out for myself but I am sure that many others make the trip to NYC from their small town and their lack of opportunities and fear of being thrown back into the small town, who are so scared they force themselves to experiment and try anything and everything so that they can force themselves to succeed.

I will once again create a list of things to do and to accomplish, in hopes that I will be able to reach those personal goals that I have set for myself.